Solidarity Sunday #17: Struggle

We live each day as if it were merely a rehearsal for the next.

Muriel Barbery, The Elegance of the Hedgehog

Do you ever feel as if at the end of every day, no matter what you have gotten up to, you didn’t manage to do much at all? As if time has moved forward but you have not?

In this age of infinite productivity, it’s hard to truly relax without constantly thinking about all you should be getting done. At least that’s what I struggle with most.

When I’m feeling overwrought mentally, for whatever reason, I get stuck in this space of wanting to check things off my never-ending list to keep myself distracted and yet being unable to find the motivation to do so because, well, I’m overwrought already.

It’s like I know what I want my day to look like and how to spend it in such a way that will be most helpful for my mental health but instead I spend said day merely rehearsing in preparation for when I will really live the day I wish to…which is not helpful or productive.

So what am I trying to say? Well, I’ve been struggling lately, and I know I’m likely not alone in this. So I thought I would write about what it feels like to be in this rehearsal mode and how I’m hoping to get out of it. I hope, at the very least, this might help someone out there to feel less alone. Because in this world filled with over 8 billion other souls you are never, ever truly alone. I hope that is a comforting thought rather than a creepy one…

If you’re sitting there thinking: how does one rehearse a struggle, I probably haven’t expressed myself clearly enough. However! I have an example that might help better explain what I mean.

Ever since I gave birth to my first daughter (almost 4 years ago now…where has the time gone?!), I have had an idea in my mind of the type of parent I want to be. And yes, I know I’ve written about this before but if I have to have this list playing eternally in my mind…I’m hoping you’ll oblige me by reading it one more time.

I want to be the type of Mom who makes all our snacks and meals from scratch, made of mostly whole foods and therefore setting her kids up for a lifetime of healthy relationships with food.

I want to be the type of Mom who happily spends the day playing with her kids and providing them with ample activities to help their development while also encouraging them to have fun.

I want to be the type of Mom who rarely relies on the television for distraction and who manages to balance the interests of an almost-four-year-old and a one-year-old with energy, enthusiasm and patience.

Essentially, I want to go to bed every night convinced that I have been the best Mom I could possibly be for my kids.

But you know what I end up doing? Spending every day telling myself what kind of Mom I want to be and how I’m going to achieve this goal. And then I turn on the TV, get my daughter a bowl of goldfish (snack number 5000), accept that she will likely refuse the dinner I have planned and proceed to stress-clean the dishes while beating myself up about my “failings” as a Mom.

So, basically, I spend every day in motherhood rehearsal telling myself the true performance will be tomorrow. And then I go to sleep disappointed with myself and repeat the same cycle beginning the very next morning.

Why do I do this?

Your guess is as good as mine.

I do wonder, however, if a big part of the reason is the cult of productivity we are currently beset by. How many times have you scrolled through goodness knows how many reels telling you the best way to meal plan, to clean your kitchen, to prep lunches and snacks, to get in shape, to DIY your renovation, to optimize your homestead garden? How often do you come out of these binge sessions less inspired than overwhelmed with all the things you’re not doing? How many recipe reels have you saved with the intention of making them all asap when in reality the list just continues to grow and grow at pace with your pile of takeout menus? Don’t worry, I’m right there with you (and don’t even get me started on Pinterest).

But what if the secret to actually living our lives happily and with the least amount of struggle is not to constantly be looking for the next best thing? What if we don’t have to be constantly improving and gaming every aspect of our lives? What if we stopped constantly rehearsing for the life we think we want and actually started living the one we have?

Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having goals. There absolutely is not! But maybe, just maybe, we can work on one goal at a time rather than our customary million (no? Just me? Cool). Maybe if we just set our sights on one single goal and only add another once the first has been achieved we won’t feel so overwrought all the time. Maybe, just maybe, this might give us the breathing room to enjoy life instead of just struggling through.

Maybe, if we do this, we can finally end the rehearsal and start the main event. Because, after all, that’s what life is isn’t it? It is the main event. No rehearsal necessary.

So, if you’re struggling right now, just know you’re not alone.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to stop rehearsing for the life I want and just go and live it. Wish me luck.

And, remember, life is beautiful.

xo Erin