A Glimpse

For years I functioned fairly well in the world, but I had an underlying sense that I was fooling people, and I was driven to achieve in order to counter that suspicion. And when I was with other people, would avoid dropping my guard out of fear that they would glimpse the real me and blow my whole act to pieces. – No Bad Parts, Richard C. Schwartz PhD.

Have you ever read something so heart wrenchingly personal that you immediately feel the writer was actually addressing you? It’s happened to me before but never as intensely as when I read that quote above. I’m still a little shaken by it, to be honest. It could have been written by me.

Now, if you read this blog regularly – or, well, sporadically based on how often I post – you know I’ve been in therapy since my last post (IN JUNE). My therapist, lets call her K, is brilliant…a perfect fit for me. She focuses on emotions-based methods and emotional approaches to CBT. One of the methods she has spoken about often, and which has helped me immensely, is Internal Family Systems or IFS. I won’t get into too much detail about the inner workings of IFS here, as I am not a trained therapist myself, but I do want to talk about the book I just read on this exact topic.

When K first brought this way of thinking to the table, she suggested I might consider getting the book No Bad Parts to help further my understanding of how it works and to allow me to work through some exercises on my own.

Now first let me be clear that I had already been making a lot of progress in talk therapy before going down this path. But when K suggested the book, I bought it right away. In my mind, working through the book on my own time was akin to doing homework after school to cement my comprehension of a new topic in my brain. Reading this book would supplement my work with K, not replace it.

I’ll admit, it took me a while to get into it. It’s packed with information and exercises and at the beginning, it’s rather overwhelming. Even now, I have yet to actually attempt the exercises themselves because I wanted to read and understand them better before diving in. But I do plan on giving them their due as well.

Why am I telling you all this? What is the point of this post?

Well, it was this book, and the line that began this post in particular, that brought me back to this blog after so many months away.

I’ve known for years that I’m both a perfectionist and a procrastinator and I’ve always assumed that when I don’t build in time for writing, exercise or any other sort of self-care, that it was due to one of these less-than-stellar traits of mine. It wasn’t until working with K and, more specifically, reading this book that I realized these tendencies were merely reactions protecting me from figuring out why I was like this. From taking a deeper look.

As an aside, in IFS these “reactions” would be defined as “protectors” which are parts playing protector roles to keep you from being bothered by exiles…If you want to actually understand that sentence then read the book!

The quote at the beginning of this post paralyzed me in the moment because it rather violently unearthed the true reason why I’ve been neglecting so many of my needs for so long. Why I can make grandiose declarations to the internet that “I’m a writer” and then…not write.

It’s because all of my energy and effort has been going into a facade that I am determined to keep up. A standard I’m convinced I must uphold.

If I can’t post consistently on the same day every week for whatever reason (kids, illness, mental health, work, insert other reason here), then why post at all. Sir Algorithm will insure that your work never sees the light of day and obviously growing readership is the only viable goal of a blog.

If I can’t do yoga every single day of the year, why do any yoga ever? I’ve already failed.

If I can’t churn out 1000 words every singly day, or write for a solid hour straight, or just write at all at least once a day, why not abandon my novel entirely since it will never be finished according to established writerly wisdom?

I’d like to say that these statements are exaggerated for effect but I promise you every last one has run through my head at some time.

Why?

Because if I can’t produce in such a way that maintains the high-functioning, high-achieving facade I’ve worked so hard to maintain, I’d rather not produce at all and instead focus my energies elsewhere. Doesn’t matter that writing and yoga literally make me happier (in whatever frequency). If I can’t give them my best, I won’t give them anything at all.

But, here’s a radical idea – what if “my best” isn’t based on any sort of external validation or algorithm but rather on what I have the time and energy to produce on any given day at any given time? What if what matters is prioritizing those essential parts of me when I can? Isn’t something truly better than nothing?

So, dear reader, this is me letting down my guard a little in the hopes that my desire to create rather than my desire to impress can carry this blog forward.

And the real me? I don’t think she’s such a failure afterall.

Remembers, even when you doubt yourself to your core…

Life is beautiful.

PS. Seriously. Read the book.