Marvels and Possibilities

And then another thought floated in there, sneaking in while I was feeling so open to wonders and marvels and possibilities: maybe that means there’s a path for me too, a plan that won’t fail, and I just haven’t found it yet. – Shauna Robinson, The Banned Bookshop of Maggie Banks

Hello dear readers. It’s been a while.

When I look at how long ago I published my last post (January), I feel a shudder of disappointment in myself and my lack of commitment to this corner of the internet that I have so lovingly built. As these waves of self-doubt start to overwhelm me, I have to fight to keep my head above these murky waters and remind myself that it’s OK. I am OK. No, wait, I’m better than OK. And I’ll tell you why.

The year started out on quite a high note. Louis (my husband) and I flew the coop, literally and figuratively, at the end of January leaving our two girls in the loving care of their grandparents to finally experience our belated honeymoon. Over 4.5 years after saying “I Do”, we were headed across the world to New Zealand and all the delights that awaited us there. The trip was…amazing. Life-changing. And I’ll be telling you all about it in the future, don’t you worry. And we returned home rejuvenated and full of energy, excited to dive back in to the rhythms of this beautiful little life we have built.

And then? I got sick. Well, we all did.

How sick? Nothing chronic or terminal thank goodness, for any of us. But sick. I think I counted 3 colds and 2 bouts of the flu (one much worse than the other) between March and the end of April.

The girls and Louis did incredibly well, considering. Most illnesses lasted 2-3 days at the most for each of them and that in itself is a blessing beyond measure. But me? One illness rolled into the next with what felt like hours of feeling moderately healthy in between.

Now, that was hard. Unendingly frustrating and exhausting, I’ll admit. But it was the last one, the flu, that really got me.

For those of you who are new to this blog…Hi, my name is Erin, and I grapple with anxiety on a daily basis. I’m not sure exactly what label to put on it but I can tell you that since giving birth to Aria in January 2020, the health anxiety has been the worst. And, like a true masochist, Dr. Google has been my frenemy through it all.

On this particular occasion, he finally crossed a line into enemy territory and he hasn’t made his way back yet (nor do I think he ever will).

The worst symptom of all during the last scuffle with the flu was these horrible coughing fits which would last for minutes at a time before I could properly catch my breath. They led me to eating and drinking very minimally, not to mention isolating myself as much as possible, in an effort to avoid them or at least keep them to myself.

So, I did what I always do (or, did). I googled how to stop coughing fits. And wouldn’t you know it? Google decided that what I actually needed to know was when coughing was a sign of heart failure.

Heart failure. I’m only 34 years old. That’s not possible. Right?

“Well,” says my ever-helpful anxious brain, “I mean, it’s not impossible.“

Cue the panic attacks. And further googling to find out more about the symptoms I started to experience due to the panic attacks and…long story short…I found myself in a dark cave filled with anxious thoughts and no light to speak of. I was convinced I was dying.

This all happened in mid-April. I am only just on my way to recovery now. It took two trips to the emergency room, a slew of tests, 5 therapy sessions, 2 visits to the chiropractor, a massage and more rest and deep breathing than I’ve attempted in years to even get me on the path to recovery. Oh, and turns out that other than occasionally crippling anxiety I am indeed healthy. Thank goodness.

Why am I sharing this with you? I’m not quite sure really. Maybe it’s because I feel like I owe you an explanation for having ghosted you all. Maybe it’s because writing it out makes me realize that after everything I’ve been through it’s OK not to be fully myself just yet. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because writing about it all was the only way through my severe writers block and back to a more consistent habit. Who knows.

What I do know is this: today a thought floated into my brain that maybe it was time to pick up to proverbial pen again. This thought snuck in while I was watching my kids playing and cuddling, their bond filling me with such wonder that anything seemed possible in that moment. And marvel of marvels, here I am now.

I don’t know what kind of consistency I can promise, if any, but I’m here – “write” where I want to be.

And remember, even when things seem their most bleak, life is beautiful.

xo Erin